I have my baby aspirin and Calcium tablets and some other vitamins and supplements all lined up for my after breakfast cocktail. Rich and I have talked on and off over the last few months about if and when we were to have a second a child. As I’ve never been withholding about that aspect of my life here, I will freely admit that the prospect scares the crap out of me.
As was well documented on this little internet space, my pregnancy with El was anything but an enjoyable experience. In fact, after a few years of processing, I think it’s accurate to say that it was a trauma that I have had to climb up and out of. The prospect of doing it all again still makes me recoil in horror- and I wish that was an exaggeration. And yet, I want to afford El the same mercies my parents gave me when they chose to have my sister- an opportunity to have a best friend who walks closely and fiercely by your side, who has lived through the same scarring I’m sure Rich and I will foster onto our kids, as every parent does. I can’t imagine how lonely life would be for me without my Emily, and I want the same for my daughter. And as much as I would love not to admit it, I feel, deep down, one more child would round out the family space carved out for us.
There are innumerable reasons not to have another child. Our financial future is rocky in the best sense of the word. We happen to live in a neighborhood that is progressively being swallowed by violence and crime. We are busy. We are finally sleeping (a little). We have dreams and goals and aspirations that a second child would greatly hinder (as selfish as that sounds, it’s the truth). But the most prevalent for me are the reoccurring nightmares of the constant vomiting, the PUPPS itching, the severe pre-eclamptic symptoms, the temporary blindness indicative of my pregnancy with El, and my now, history of miscarriages one before Ellie, and one after her. I continually dream of that first pre-natal ultrasound, hearing a tiny heartbeat in my head, but showing an empty womb. There it is. That’s as real as it gets.
But we were not given a Spirit of fear. I proclaim this every day- shouting it into the on-coming 2 train, just for good measure. ( And it’s fun). I’ve been blessed by a group of some of the best friends someone could ask for to pray for and walk with me- and the grace that one of them just so happens to also be my doctor does not go unnoticed. Our God is loving and faithful.
So, I am dutifully taking supplements that have been researched to somewhat aid in the prevention of miscarriage and eclampsia and I am being cautious about what goes into my body and what I allow enter my brain in this time of consideration. It has humbled and broken me to do so, in the best sense of both words. To even be in a place of consideration is a huge step for me, and I am sure to give thanks for whatever God is doing in my heart now and what He will do in the future.
Because whatever he has for us through this process, I know I will be better for it and long to honor Him in the process. Whether we are meant to have any more children, or not. And if that’s all that comes from it, that is enough.