There is the strangest phenomenon infiltrating Northern New Jersey that’s more than a little alarming. There is an army of 30 somethings, most of them mothers, who seem to believe that if they shop at certain stores that make bold, impossible promises, eh hem, as in the title, that they will indeed, well, be young forever.
Let me assure you, it is a falsehood. For the love of all things holy, and to save the future embarrassment of your daughter who will never risk being seen wearing the same outfit as you, let’s put some things into perspective.
1. Wearing clothes meant to be worn by teenagers, does not in fact, make you look younger. Actually, it does exactly the opposite. Even worse than the opposite. It often incites ridicule at your expense- apologies in advance, as I’m sure at some point, said ridicule will come from me.
2. There are things that should be welcomed with grace-even, celebrated as we grow older- like non-synthetic material and jewelry that doesn’t turn fingers green. Rejoice at the fact that you know what real Italian leather smells like, and then save for three months to actually buy a real pair of shoes. It’s worth it. I promise.
3. Who the hell wants to be, “Forever 21”? Don’t you remember 21? Being terrified at the prospect of finding a real job? Wondering if you’ll ever graduate? Confused over what being an adult really means? Drinking too much simply because you’re allowed to now? Scared of commitment and at the same time, wondering if we’ll have a family in a few years? Twenty-one year olds have the worse jobs. It would be a better world if the walk of shame never had to take place at all- if it’s a reoccurring theme in your life past your 21st year of life, you may want to evaluate your priorities.
This is not to say that you can’t find an occasional gem at certain stores- I am aware of how inexpensive they are, we all need to save a buck or two, and a little, black, cocktail dress is a little, black cocktail dress- but for everything else, PLEASE, PLEASE shop in places where they don’t sell tee-shirts with clever, subversive logos or pictures of cartoon characters. These should be left to irresponsible high school seniors, broke college students, and the rogue bachelor.
Please and thank you.