It has been brought to my attention by your lovely affiliates at Paramount Pictures that you will be shooting a film on the very street on which I live and are looking for an exterior of a suburban house for a day and night establishing shot. May I be so bold as to suggest my home is not only completely photogenic in all lights, but also achieves that quiet yet slightly un-manicured suburban look one desperately tries to emulate in Northern New Jersey suburbanite culture. Shabby chic we are not- making the homely homey is our niche. Now, I am not so naive as to believe you yourself are the one researching location details- however, I believe, if the situation be made known to you, you would use your super Barbara powers to pull the necessary strings. I have outlined in painstaking detail below supporting reasons why my house is the perfect piece of New Jersey property you and your Location Manager have been looking for.
1. It’s adorable. Seriously. My lawn may need a little maintenance, but mysteriously, that only adds to it’s charm.
2. We’re close to parking, to the local bars for break refreshments and have no unsightly wire fencing, garden gnomes or signs advertising political parties. Unless you require one of the above items. I’d get a gnome for you, Barbara. I would.
3. I have the cutest baby on the planet who will provide much needed comic relief after a long day of shooting. Seriously. She’s better than Prozac.
4. I have already gone out of my way to set up my guest room in the likelihood that you will need a respite from crowds. I also make the best homemade chocolate chip cookies and lemonade you have ever tasted, all of which will be at your disposal. You won’t even have to ask. I’m intuitive that way. I’ve even gone so far as to remove my life-size, “Hello Dolly” poster on the inside wall for your comfort.
5. I love you. I promise to pull myself together and not sing in your presence. Grill you for details on your life and career. Snap photos surreptitiously of you playing with my daughter. And when you beg me to sing my rendition of, “Don’t Rain on my Parade”, are completely bowled over by my talent and tell me to name my price to travel the world with you, I promise to be gracious and humble. A few million will do.