I couldn’t even tell you how my week was if you asked me. I have no idea. I know it was filled with the monitoring of baby diapers, washing spit-up out of my hair, fervently praying that my neurosis were not actually causing my child’s illnesses ( in addition to still the occasional blood in diaper and remnants of a swollen eye, she is now, thanks to this awful weather, covered in a polka-dotted heat rash), my Mom duties run into my wife duties run into my working duties and I feel a little bit like the scrambled eggs that I managed to make for breakfast yesterday morning, but never actually got to eat.
You see, I’m struggling with this mash-up of roles, if you will. If I leave the house for a few hours to get some work done, I feel selfish, I miss my kid, I have trouble focusing. If I don’t leave the house, the pile of dirty laundry taunts me, the dust bunnies revolt, my plants all of a sudden need watering and my work never gets done. This is bad. As a technical one income family at the moment, I need to do this work well in order to help support our little, but now bigger, family. I miss time spent just with my husband and then feel like the worst mother alive for daydreaming about a few hours without her.
But I couldn’t move for two hours yesterday because she finally fell asleep on my chest after screaming bloody murder for two, whole hours before and not even Paul McCartney tickets would have been enough to risk waking her. My big accomplishment was vacuuming the couch cushions and baking a blueberry peach cobbler cake, that I can’t even eat, mind you, but the fruit was quickly turning and I hate wasting food.
Today I am going to attempt getting 5 pages done for my July 29th deadline. I will try and call/text/e-mail back everyone who’s contacted me in the last, oh I dont know, two weeks? ( If that’s you, my deepest apologies). I will at least look at the bill pile, perhaps filing them neatly if I feel ambitious. (Just because I can’t pay them doesn’t mean I can’t be organized, right?) That is, unless the little human in my life has different plans for our day.