> I believe I have more than an average command of the English language. That is not a statement made in arrogance nor one tempered in humility. I have perfected the fine-art of English language snobbery. A fact, plain and simple. I hold back waves of nausea as teenagers giggle back in forth in some foreign mutilated version of said beloved language. I quiver when a “yous guys” is thrown in my general direction. But most of all, the offense above all offenses is the dreaded “IE”.
You know exactly what I am referring to. Mother’s especially have perfected this somehow universally accepted adaptation at the end of all uncomfortable nouns. “Does Charlie have to go “poopIE?” “Let’s go right down to the pottIE, then!” “Time to put on your jammIES!” “Don’t forget to change your pantIES!” I have such physical adverse reactions to the “IE” that I now have to remove myself from the situation entirely in order to avoid confrontation or spontaneous combustion. Who was the one who decided that an “IE” addition somehow made words that are otherwise awkward, socially acceptable? Forgive me if I’m wrong, but there is no possible way to make poop endearing if it is interjected in a cocktail party conversation no matter how many suffixes are added.
Now, I want to make it clear that though most “IE”‘s evoke cold sweats and jitters, I do not carry a malicious prejudice. When the odd couple is interjected in the middle of a word, such as “belIEve” and “achIEVe”, I can breath easily again the breath of one whose love has been redeemed. Just as any other citizen moved by social injustice, I am merely expressing my outrage at such abuse. Something must be done!
If there is anyone else that shares my “IE” aversion, take a stand. Let us bring forth a united front. For the sake of our children. For the sake of our nation. It all begins with a step in the right direction. I’d be willing to discuss it further over dinner-only, no foodIE’s please.